I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
