I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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