I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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