she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
