evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
