They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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