I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
