It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
