and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
