my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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