She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
