Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
