I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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