Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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