We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
