can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
