life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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