Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
