Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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