Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
