I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
