We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I came so hard my ears popped.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
