Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
