He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
