I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
