"it" just moved
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I smell like Dick and happiness
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
