i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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