my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
