i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
