i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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