I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
