I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
