I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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