it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
