he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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