It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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