this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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