She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
