My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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