I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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