I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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