Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize