we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
