I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize