Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
