I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
