marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize