omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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