Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
