He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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