Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
