I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
