When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
