Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
