U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I smell like Dick and happiness
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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