you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
