do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
