How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
